I am wrestling with my need for control over the last few weeks, and it’s really bothering me.
Rick Springfield jokingly signed one of my favorite treasures, a wooden box a fan had made for me with a photo of him and I on it: “To my favorite control freak.” It’s true. When I’m in charge of something, I’m in my element because being a control freak is allowed. Encouraged, even, to make sure an event or a group stays on task or runs smoothly. It’s a role I like and have gotten much feedback from over the years.
But what about when I’m not in charge? I ruin what might otherwise be great experiences because I am frustrated by things not being done the way I would do them. I can’t get past my own sense of frustration and agitation at others and their lack of concern for this or that, or this person or that.
And I’m starting to wonder, what kind of life would I have if I could just learn to let go? If I could just roll with the punches and enjoy the experiences that come my way, without feeling the need to craft those experiences or make them happen? Would I even be where I am, living with the person I am, living the life I am? Maybe not.
Because the thing that drives me most nuts about my partner is that I didn’t choose an opposite in that regard. I chose someone who is exactly like me in his need to make sure things are a certain way. In fact, he makes my touch of OCD look like a small affliction compared to his full fledged case of it. Our most constant source of arguments and fights come when my need to have things go a certain way and his need for them to go a different way clash. It’s often, all too often. I’ve learned over the years what to stay firm on and what to let go.
But that letting go is hard for me. It’s seriously hard. And it’s not healthy. I wish I were one of those people who just didn’t let things like that bother them. I would enjoy life more and worry less.
Still, though, I would wonder what I was missing. 😦