Trying to Change the Voice In My Head

I’m still here.

The reason I haven’t posted in the last two weeks is pretty simple….I am trying, truly, truly trying, to not be such a downer all of the time.  I find myself formulating these posts in my head about this or that, and I am shocked to realize how truly negative my self talk can be sometimes.  What the hell is wrong with me, I wonder on sometimes an hourly basis.  I’m not sick, I’m not going through some major life tragedy, my finances are stable and I have three amazing kids.  Focus, focus, focus.

That being said, here’s where I am at:

1.  My husband is truly trying.  I see him trying to communicate more (sometimes horribly; last night he insulted my whole family with a comment he made, but at least he was talking; baby steps) and he is trying to be more present.  It’s not perfect, but the effort is there.  So that’s something.

2.  I still don’t have a therapist.  I think this is where I’ve floundered so much in the last ten years.  I used to have a therapist, but when we moved from my hometown, I lost that contact.  I have to wade through the myriad of insurance and paperwork and get there.  Unfortunately the school year is nearly done and now I can hear my inner voice wondering when I would find an hour here and there to see a therapist during the summer.  I am procrastinating, and I know this is important.  I need to find someone to talk to, but it hasn’t happened yet.

3.  I ran our local 5K and was featured in the paper.   I live in, quite obviously, a super small town, which is the only way this “chunky runner” would get featured for a 38:24 5K time.  Still, it was kind of nice to have that pat on the back; I still am running and I still am trying.

4.  I went back to Michigan for my nephew’s high school graduation.  It was another surreal trip.  There’s something about being back there and being confronted with my very different past while I’m living my current life that always makes me contemplative.  I had lunch with my friend (ex? former teacher?  adulterous friend with benefits?) Dennis while I was there, and it left me feeling oddly empty where our previous get together had filled me with wonder and happiness.  Maybe it is just where I currently am in my head, or maybe it’s an acknowledgement of the reality of who we really were to each other.  I am still reeling a bit from it.

5.  My eldest is doing very well at work and in life in general.  Every time I want to feel badly about the choices I’ve made over the last twenty years, I need to seriously remind myself to look at him and where he is.   Most of those choices were either because of him or made with him in mind, and I simply have to allow myself some credit for how well he has turned out.  He’s gotten a big raise at work and continues to live and thrive on his own.   Having him at age 19 might have been the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but it’s clearly also the best thing I’ve ever done.  Must remember that.

Must figure out a way to change the voices inside my head.



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