Struggling

It’s not been an easy time in my head the last week.

After I wrote the previous post here, I stayed up most of the night feeling very alone.  Very despondent.  Wanting things to be different, but not knowing at all how to make them so.

As the hours wore on, the darkness kept encroaching in on me.  My dark thoughts went to places they shouldn’t go.

I just want it to stop hurting, I thought.  Maybe things would be easier if I could just disappear.  My husband could find someone who makes him happy.  A better wife, a better mother.  I thought all the things that I know I shouldn’t think:  which way would be easiest?  Least painful?  Least scary?  Least messy to clean up?

I spent years in therapy trying to combat those thoughts.  But I guess when you’re prone to depression, those thoughts really never go away.  You just learn how to make sure that the thoughts do not become action.

What stopped me from sitting in my car in closed garage with the engine running?  The thought of my kids finding me.  The thought of my kids losing their mother at an even younger age than I was when I lost mine.  Thinking of how profoundly awful it would be to inflict that kind of pain on them, and my husband, and my family.

It has been a dark week for me, full of fighting and tears and strange thoughts.  I thought I was past all of this, frankly.  I thought that I grew past all of those selfish, tunnel vision thoughts and was able to use the skills I’ve learned along the way to pull my head and chin up out of the water.  But mostly I’ve realized that I am the kind of person who’s had goes there.  And if I want to get through this rough patch without taking my whole family down with me, I’m going to have to get some help.  And not the kind that I have been using lately, the kind that comes in a bottle and burns your throat going down.

No, I think it’s time for me to find a therapist (again).  I think I need some help figuring all of this out.  Where I am.  Where I’m headed.  Why I can’t be grateful and gracious and happy with all of the blessings in my life.  How to know when I’m fully right and how to accept when I’m not.  And if nothing else, to know that it is OK to not completely know any of that.

I’m struggling, but I’ve still got some fight left me.

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One Response

  1. Sounds like you know exactly what needs doing and I’m really glad you are seeking help. I hope you’ve made that call–and also, if i may, call your Primary care physician as well–therapy appointments often take a while to schedule. It would be good for you to get in to see a professional sooner rather than later–and the PCP might be able to fast-track you into a therapist’s office as well.

    Hugs–you are strong and you have been through so much. You will come through this as well.

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