Outside it is pouring rain. My son pointed out, as we waited in the warmth of my SUV at the end of our longish driveway for his bus this morning, that pouring rain is his least favorite weather. For him, it is because his sensitive sensory system makes the wetness that results on his skin and on his clothes feel like sandpaper, or fire, or some other horrible sensation. He can’t focus anymore, he can’t breathe, because all he can feel is that awful, awful feeling.
I dislike the rain too, but for different reasons. The dark clouds that gather, the heaviness from the damp….it muddles my mind and brings out the darkness that lives inside me. Always, always, rainy days bring back sad thoughts and hard memories. I look through the window with the rain streaming down, imagining I’m on camera somewhere, and a soundtrack soars in the background giving life to my internal grief.
I haven’t been writing here lately. I think the catharsis of putting my thoughts into words is something I’m missing. But it’s hard because I’m not sure which words I should be choosing for this space now. I’ve completed my mission, my task for why I set up this blog. To go through my former life, my stories, my path that led me to where I sit now. So what now?
The question is one I’m asking myself not just about this blog, but about my life. With my son finally doing well in school, I’m less and less needed during the day while he’s at school. Most stay at home mothers arrive here at some point while their children are in elementary school. It’s an enviable place to be: we don’t really need an extra income right now. Sure, my being at home makes everything easy for everyone: the laundry is always done, the food is always bought and cooked, the beds are made and the dog is walked. But there are hours and hours left over.
These are the hours I’ve previously filled with writing, or volunteering at school, or working on freelance websites or at the art studio. But with the art studio closing and my two current clients in “wait and see” mode, and the kids getting older…I find myself thinking….now what? There has to be a way to transition into something new, something different. I mean, I can’t possibly spend the next eight years folding laundry and watching endless loops of my Grey’s Anatomy DVDs in the downtime, can I?
The rain outside the window today makes me think I can. I need to fight the rain.