How Did This Happen?


There are days that I can’t believe this is my life…today feels like one of them.  I am killing time before my morning PTO meeting at the middle school.  I’m going there as a member of the “Executive Board” which sounds impressive but basically means that I’ve branded myself as a sucker that can be asked to do a multitude of tasks and I’ll actually do them.

Upstairs I hear the cleaning women wipe down my bathrooms and change the beds.  My siblings and friends back in Michigan, where I could barely afford to pay my Target bill each month, give me that “harumph” when I mention that we have cleaning people.  It’s not something I advertise; I pretty much feel guilty and one step short of the crazy “Real Housewives” that have like six nannies so they can go to lunch with their girlfriends and workout all day.  Not guilty enough to step in and fire my sweet women who clean better than I ever learned how to do or anything, mind you.

Speaking of ladies who lunch, last week I hosted a luncheon for eight of my favorite girlfriends.  During the day.  I spent days baking and cooking and buying the booze for Bloody Marys (a girlfriend brought the fixings for Mimosas) just so I could spend three hours eating and gossiping with women I know and like.  You know, instead of doing something productive like laundry or say, earning a paycheck.

Although I did do that last week, too.  I work at the studio of one of my freelance jobs.  It’s sporadic, but every so often provides me with some work and a small check.  I don’t need to work there because R’s job is enough for us (the job that has kept him at work past 9 every night for three weeks, but I digress) but I do because there are days when I feel that I will simply go crazy with nothing outside of my children to call my own.

I went over to a girlfriend’s two nights ago to plan our Religious Education lesson.  I’ve taught at our church going on five years, and I taught at our church in Ohio for a few years before that.  I didn’t even have a religion growing up.  There are times when I’m sitting in church, mystified by the the stories and not knowing the details, and I wonder:  when will they figure out that I’m an imposter here.  Then again, they have wine at the Catholic Mass, so it kind of makes sense.

Being available for my kids…active in church…great girlfriends…a comfortable life.  These are the things people dream of.  But there are days…like today…when I wonder if this is really, truly all that there is.  It should be enough.



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