Well, you might be wondering, how’s it going?
I mean, since I started “officially” trying to do something about my ballooning waistband. Not in general, although likely the size of my waistband is in direct correlation to how I feel about the direction of my life and times at any given moment. And if that’s true, there’s an awful lot of stuff going on in my head that isn’t positive, because my weight is high. Higher than it has been in four and a half years, when I lost 35 pounds. Close to the highest it has ever been.
Which is why, two weeks ago, I decided to do something about it. On a whim I downloaded the Couch 2 5K app for my iPhone since I’d seen another friend (a friend who incidentally is heavier than I am) posting from it to her Facebook page. She was actually doing, and seeming to enjoy the program, so I thought, why not? Let’s try that.
And in terms of the exercise, the running/walking that it regiments as you go through the workouts, I feel good about it. I had been exercising haphazardly off and on until last spring, when I just gave up the ghost entirely (and packed on five pounds over the summer as a result). Since I was not doing anything really regimented before (walking the dog, sometimes popping in my favorite Biggest Loser DVD), there was little inspiration to continue. With my weight last spring not really budging, I got morose and frustrated and angry and simply gave up.
So in terms of wanting to keep going, the workouts I am doing now are providing the motivation. There’s a challenge each new week of going a little farther each time you run. It’s not easy; my legs are still sore when I run outside and I’m probably the slowest runner anyone has ever seen. Plus I have to completely get over my self consciousness about having people witness me huffing and puffing outside; I really hate the idea that someone I know might see me out there red faced and struggling. It’s something I have to work on.
But more than anything in the last two weeks of working this program I’ve learned that I am angry about my weight. Angry. I read on someone else’s blog the other day that she had “weight anger” that had bled into so many other areas of her life, and that is so true for me. I actually found myself avoiding a certain girlfriend last week because she’s lost a great deal of weight; my jealousy of her success made me ashamed. I went to a party and struggled to find a pair of pants in my closet that fit; Sunday morning for church the same thing. I am frustrated far too many minutes of the day about my weight.
There’s so much emotion caught up in this battle for me; it really isn’t about the food at all, but how I feel about myself. The exercise is helping lift that fog from my head, and this week I am commiting to making smarter food choices as well. I’ve set a concrete goal for myself: I’d like to lose 20 pounds by January 1. It’s a big goal that will require every food choice I make to be a good one, and for the exercise to be regular and substantial.
I am hopeful. But still angry. There is no worse anger than the anger you feel toward yourself.