Flashes Back In Time

Vignettes from January, 1989:

Going to my GP to have my first gynecological exam to confirm my pregnancy.

This was the first time I admitted to anyone outside of my comfort zone that I was pregnant.  Again, Joe was not with me. This should have worried me at the time, but not having a frame of reference for what boys do with their pregnant girlfriends (which was, back then, a much less common occurrence).

I could hear the nurses out in the hallway talking about how I’d never had an exam before, literally right outside my exam room door, mocking the fact that I was too afraid to have had an internal exam, but apparently felt just fine about having unprotected sex.  My face glowed hot with the shame and anger.

The doctor confirmed my pregnancy, set my due date at August 28, and referred me to an OB/GYN.

Changing my declared major:

I marched over to the student services office within two weeks of the stick turning blue to change my major.  I had a long list of Things I Had To Do in my head, and I was trying to be practical.  Being a music teacher was not on that list.  Each school had just one music teacher (well, high schools might have a few but normally it is one or so).  But schools had many English teachers, or math teachers.  It was nearly a relief to change my major.  I absolutely hated that several of my grades for the entire term ended up being based on one, single performance.  The anxiety and fear that produced in me might have made me want to change all on my own, without the pregnancy.

I changed my major to Elementary Education, reasoning that for a young parent, it would provide the best possible schedule for raising a child.  I’d always wanted to be a teacher, anyway.  Now I’d just be a regular one, not a music teacher.  Done.

Talking With Joe’s Mom:

I had exactly one conversation with Joe’s mother.  She was incredibly reassuring and kind, probably the warmest of any of the parental conversations I had.  She gave me her supersecret phone number in case I wanted to talk, and told me that we would all work through this together.  It was exactly the conversation I’d wanted to have had with her son (and still hadn’t).  I felt much better about him though, after talking with her.

Tired:

The one thing I remember very clearly about January that year was the tiredness.  I would fall asleep around 7:30pm or 8 often.  I could feel it washing over me often at night, like waves lapping against the shore.  One of my favorite memories of this time is laying on my yellow dorm sofa, my head in Joe’s lap, and quietly drifting in and out of sleep while he stroked my hair.  I felt so safe and clam.  I wanted to stay like that forever.

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