Times They Are A Changing

I vowed things would be different.

My mother was a living example that people could change.  She was still losing weight; she’d lost forty or so pounds already.  She looked fantastic, had a newfound sense of confidence, and a calmer way about her.  Granted, she still had a cigarette in her hands every time you looked at her, but she was different.  She’d even gone so far as to bury much of the hatchet with my father, planning a mutual graduation dinner for my brother the following month.

My brother seemed to be changing too.  He’d actually applied himself in the strict confines of his Catholic boarding school, and was actually pulling decent grades and it looked as if he’d graduate on time.  This was something that a year prior, when he was living in a psychiatric hospital, we’d never thought we’d see.

My sister had left college but was working full time, and happily enjoying her engagement.  They’d picked a date for the wedding, booked a hall, and things were moving forward.

I donned my pink, Southern Belle prom dress that Friday in May and went to Prom with John.  I quit my four hour a week job at the music store and got a job with tons more hours at the local children’s store at the mall.  I threw myself into my writing and hashed it all out with Mr. H. one afternoon in May.  I was growing.  I was determined to leave my scary thoughts and my self destructive behavior behind.  I had everything at my fingertips, if I would just not get in my own way.

Corey Hart’s anthem rang true with me that spring:

“So if you’re lost and on your own, you can never surrender
and when your path won’t lead you home, you can never surrender
and when the night is cold and dark, you can, you can see light
’cause no one can take away your right, to fight, and to never surrender…”

I was going to fight back against the fear, the darkness, the pain and move forward.  I had to.

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