No More Waiting

I spent this morning looking for therapists.  Well, doing work on a freelance web design job that came up quickly and needs to be done quickly, and looking for therapists. It kind of feels good to be honest about it, frankly.  I think I spend a lot of time projecting to the world what I [...]

Struggling

It’s not been an easy time in my head the last week. After I wrote the previous post here, I stayed up most of the night feeling very alone.  Very despondent.  Wanting things to be different, but not knowing at all how to make them so. As the hours wore on, the darkness kept encroaching [...]

Just Like Everyone Else

I sat on the bench at the local kids’ play gym, watching my two youngest.  Tonight was the Special Needs Playgroup night at the gym, and about ten families of children were in the huge enclosed space of toys and mats and dress up clothes.  R was working in New York City these days, so [...]

One Foot In Front of the Other

“Wow, are you serious?”  It was 4pm the following Tuesday, and I had just finished practice with my newly formed Academic Games team.  We were going to our first competition the following weekend, and the kids seemed excited and ready.  I had been so proud to bring the program to my new school, form a [...]

Hotel Rooms and Pills

I got to the hotel first. R’s sense of drama had been on full display when he chose the scene for his suicide attempt:  he’d taken a room in the same hotel we’d spent our wedding night in.  I raced down the hall and found the door cracked open so that I didn’t have to [...]

What The ….

“I don’t know where he is,” I said to R’s mother on the phone late that evening.  “Have you heard from him?” R had spent the first month or so of our separation living in the sleeper cabin of his boat the marina.  We’d gone to marriage counseling every week in order to help repair [...]

Turning Point

Journal Entry: 12-25-1987 “Today is Christmas Day, 1987. This Christmas seems really humble as far as it goes, pretty ordinary. But I came to a big realization today, and it is embodied here: I trust, I have faith, that I never had before. There is a part of me that is content, even though not [...]

The Wood Became Alive

It was the second week of September in my senior year, and I was staring at a blank page. My advanced composition teacher, Mr. V, had assigned us a journal to be kept over the course of the year. My literature teacher the previous year had done the same, and by the end of the [...]

Times They Are A Changing

I vowed things would be different. My mother was a living example that people could change.  She was still losing weight; she’d lost forty or so pounds already.  She looked fantastic, had a newfound sense of confidence, and a calmer way about her.  Granted, she still had a cigarette in her hands every time you [...]

Martini for Brains

It was such an odd spring. Outwardly, to my friends, things were good.  I’d finally shaken loose Ray, who had shaken and stirred the contents of my head.  I was definitely committed to my boyfriend John, and we were going out at least one night every weekend.  He held my hand, and kissed me, and [...]